All About Complicated Grief

The distinct uniqueness, persistence and complexity of grief can make for an uphill battle in the wake of any loss. Everyone experiences different stages on their journey through grief, but sometimes, the grief seems insurmountable and it’s almost as if the journey will never end. This is complicated grief: the type of grief that occurs when a person can’t move on from the death of a loved one.

Usually, there’s plenty beneath the surface when it comes to grief. That’s why we’re diving a bit deeper into how complications may disrupt and derail the normal mourning process.

Painting a Picture of Complicated Grief

During the initial period after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief. A helpful way to illustrate the grief experienced during this period is through the ‘ball in the box’ analogy. 

The analogy considers life as the box, with the ball bouncing around inside representing the grief being contained. There’s also a big red pain button on the inside of the box. So, when the ball starts out very heavy and large, filling every corner of the box (life), the pain button is constantly being “activated” with every move you make. It’s taking up all the space, it’s hard to ignore, and you have little control over how it bounces around. It hurts and it’s unrelenting.

Over time, the ball gets smaller. It’s still bouncing around in the box, but it hits the button less and less as it shrinks. That’s not to say that it doesn’t hurt just as much when it hits the button, and often that happens when it’s least expected. However, it does mean that functioning on a day-to-day basis becomes more manageable.

We can think of complicated grief as a grief ball that does not necessarily get smaller at the same rate that “normal” circumstances would allow. So, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time, those of complicated grief linger or get worse. Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing heightened state of mourning which in turn hinders healing.

Symptoms of Complicated Grief

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include:

• Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one

• Inability to focus on little else but your loved one’s death

• Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders

• Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased

• Problems accepting the death

• Numbness or detachment

• Bitterness about your loss

• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose

• Lack of trust in others

• Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one

Complicated grief may also be indicated if you continue to:

• Have trouble carrying out normal duties

• Isolate from others and withdraw from social activities

• Experience depression, deep sadness, guilt or self-blame

• Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death

• Feel life isn’t worth living without your loved one

Timing of Grief 

There are a number of variable factors that surround someone’s passing, that can make the grieving process more complicated. Things such as the circumstances of the death – for example, if it was sudden or traumatic – or the dynamic of the relationship with the deceased. The resulting symptoms of grief are much more prolonged and intense, preventing the griever from carrying on with normal daily tasks. 

As with many things in life, timing can also be the complicating factor. When we experience several significant losses within a relatively short period of time, we are at risk of complicated grief through the loss “overload”. Even if grieving happens in healthy ways and if a person is relatively well-equipped to deal with the situation, it can still be overwhelming – and sometimes paralysing – to cope with accumulated losses all at once.

Grief is a natural and necessary response to the many losses we encounter in our life journeys. And the only way to truly and fully heal from grief is to express any associated thoughts and feelings about the loss as they arise in us. Those who do not express their grief at the time they are experiencing it, tend to “carry” it instead. Carrying old grief further complicates it, and can cause life-affecting symptoms which become more difficult to resolve over time.

Wrap up 

Grief is sometimes poetically described as ‘love with no place to go’. But in reality, we need to find somewhere to place it safely, so it doesn’t keep “bouncing around” in our box. Or worse still, filling the box to the brim, leaving no room for living life.

If you’re dealing with complicated emotions surrounding the death of a loved one, it’s always wise to seek help from a bereavement professional. The team at Willed is also only a phone call away.

If you found this helpful, you may benefit from reading our guide on different types of grief.